The Stand-up Philosopher

Rethinking How I Look At The World

Those who know me know how little enthusiasm I have for sports. I’ve never developed an interest. I’ve tried. I just couldn’t do it. Which is why I’m surprised at something that happened.

I got a call Sunday night. A friend of mine had Phillies tickets, and asked if I wanted to go to the game. I almost reflexively (and politely) declined. But then something went through my head. It’s something I’ve been chewing on for a while now.

I may not be that interested in the game, but I do enjoy spending time with my friends. And I don’t get asked to go to games very often. I said I’d like to go and we worked out the details.

I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life based on what would make me comfortable, or what would allow me to avoid inconveniences. I’ve turned down plenty of adventures because I didn’t want to deal with crowds and traffic.

But I’ve also given up a lot of chances to build relationships.

So I went to the game. And I had a good time. I spend time with friends. The weather was awesome. We had great seats, just off 1st base and in the shade for most of the game.

In 2004, right before Joshua was born, my brother in law had Phillies tickets for a Friday afternoon game and was going to take the whole family. I was working the swing shift at that time, but I was able to get off. Then one guy didn’t show up for work. I could have fought harder to leave, but I didn’t. I stayed and worked. It hit me yesterday that I should have gone to that game.

I made the pledge to myself that I’m going to stop making decisions that allow me to stay home and read or surf the Internet. I’m going to start doing more to build friendships and to get out and meet people. Maybe I’ll go to the Army/Navy game this year with a friend.

Book Review: Wild At Heart by John Eldredge

John Eldredge updated Wild At Heart for 2010. It was first written in 2001.

I first read the book in 2007. I taught a class on the book at my church for the fall quarter of 2008.

The book is written from a Christian perspective. With his wife, John Eldredge wrote a version of the book for women called Captivating. For non-Christian readers, I don’t believe the book was overly evangelistic. You may find it helpful.

The premise of Wild At Heart is that the church, as it exists today, teaches men that their ultimate aim as Christian men is to be “really nice guys”. Secular society doesn’t do much better, as it seeks to feminize and emasculate men. John Eldredge makes his case that Adam was created in the wilderness, then brought into the Garden, where Eve was taken from his rib. This means that man has something wild in his heart, and he spends his life trying to recapture it. John says that every man has 3 needs:

1. A Battle to Fight
2. An Adventure to Live
3. A Beauty to Rescue

He also says that every man asks the same question: “Do I have what it takes?” Every many also carries a wound, usually inflicted by his father (or the lack of a present father). He often looks to the wrong places for the answer to his question. His mother cannot answer it, nor can his wife. Seeking the answer from these can cause more harm.

He then lays out the enemy, the strategy, the beauty, and the adventure, and urges the reader to write the next chapter.

John Eldredge uses movies and literature for illustrations for his point.

Many reviewers complain that the book is little more than an urge to be over-macho, with its constant references to mountain climbing and horseback riding. John Eldredge claims that is not the point, but some readers can’t get past it. I personally have no urge to climb a mountain or camp or hike through bear-infested woods armed with only a whistle. Every time I think about how cool a Jeep looks, I have to remind myself how horrible they drive. But I found the book helpful in some ways.

I compared the 2010 edition against my original 2001 edition. In the text of the book, there are some minor editing revisions. A few paragraphs have been reworded. I found a few new paragraphs in one section, and a few removed in another. The major changes include the addition of an Epilogue, “The Daily Prayer”, “A Prayer for Sexual Healing”, and the except from “The Way of the Wild Heart” has been replaced with an excerpt for “Fathered By God”. If you have the original edition, you shouldn’t need to buy the new one. I got a review copy from Thomas Nelson, the publisher. If you’d like to get free books in exchange for a review, check out Thomas Nelson’s Book Sneeze.

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

I Hate Mother's Day Reprise

Joshua will be 6 this year, and I have yet to experience a "good" Mother's Day as a husband and father. 

I'm learning to fear Mother's Day. Each and every year, no matter how hard I try, Mother's Day will end in disaster. It always does. This year, we barely got home from church when it happened. It's just another day to not be able to get anything right. I envy the rest of you who live in a happy bubble where everything is perfect and Mother's Day is such a blessing. I know men who are HAPPY to be able to CELEBRATE Mother's Day. I truly envy you.  

Rather than bore you with details, I'll just repost what I wrote 2 years ago. I give you, the original I Hate Mother's Day.

An iPhone App That Prevents You From Getting Caught Having An Affair?

Are you screwing around on your wife but don't want to get caught? Well, there's an app for that now. It's called "Tiger Text". Pete Wilson does a good job of explaining the app and the moral implications, so no need for me to repeat that.

From Pete's writeup, the app allows you to send text messages to the object of your affair. The texts don't reside on your iPhone, but on their servers. Cool, that just means they can be subpoenaed by a savvy attorney. Oh, also, you can only have affairs with people who also have iPhones.

The app also isn't likely to prevent a spouse from discovering an affair. It'll just prevent text messages being sent back and forth from being on the iPhone. You are subject to the consequences of your poor judgment, planning, and overconfidence involving all aspects of an affair outside of your text messages. No matter how well you think you're hiding it, it WILL catch up to you.

I discovered an ancient secret that prevents your spouse from finding out that you had an affair. It's the kind of secret that everybody should know, but for whatever reason doesn't. I should patent this advice and sell it on late night TV for $29.95 with a boiler room telemarketing upsell. I won't. I'll offer it here on my blog for free because that's the kind of man I am.

The easiest way to prevent a spouse from finding out about an affair is:

DON'T HAVE A FREAKING AFFAIR! See how easy this is? You can apply this to every other area of life. Don't want to get caught cheating on taxes? DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES. There'll be nothing to get caught for. Don't want to get pulled over for speeding? DON'T SPEED! (OK, I'm the last one who should be giving that advice, but it still works even if I don't follow it).

For some reason, I always use the word "freaking" more when I've been listening to Dave Ramsey. I have no idea why...

I doubt this post will go down in history as one of my best, but if I can save one marriage by it, it's worth it.

Though I am far from an expert on the subject, I have done plenty of reading about marriage. Just as I am not aware of a single lottery winner who didn't end up blowing the whole wad and destroying his or her family, I'm also not aware of a single case where an affair ended well. I do know plenty of people who kept it together through rough spots in marriage and came out better.

I've known people who cheated. Even if their spouse didn't directly find out about it, their marriages disintegrated anyway. I've seen cheating destroy public images and end or damage careers (Clinton, Sanford, etc...) Seriously, these things NEVER end well. I don't care if 30+ years of soap operas are based on little more of a plot device than who is having an affair with whom. In real life, they never end well.

Pareto Analysis

Have you ever heard of the Pareto Principle? Pareto was an Italian economist who came up with an analysis stating that 20% of the people held 80% of the wealth.

Since then, the Pareto Principle has been applied in a lot of ways. I commonly hear about it in books and on websites related to lifehacking.

Since being removed from a position in November, I’ve finally reached a point of having to take a long, hard look at my life. Also, last week, I listened to The Four Hour Workweek 2 1/2 times, where I was reminded of the 80/20 principle.

Lately, as I look at my life, I realize that I’ve committed a drastic error. I’ve structured my life so that I’ve been really busy. I’ve had a huge backlog of things to do. But I committed the error in that my quest to be busy has left me doing things that didn’t make me effective.

I’ve reached a point of consuming information for the sake of consuming information. I have to spend a great deal of time each day consuming information. But how much of it is valuable? Very little.

So, I’m going to look at several of my information streams from this way: which 20% gives me 80% of my value? I’ll probably do the same thing with the podcasts I listen to. I’ve already streamlined both of these fire hoses in the past, but not far enough.

I have a rack full of magazines and newsletters that I’m hard pressed to find time to read. Don’t get me started on the eBooks I’ve downloaded.

And so, as I start to streamline my life in 2010, I’m going to trim some fat. I’m going to have to stop following several blogs and information sources, and I’m going to have to stop listening to several podcasts. I also have to decide which aspects of where I spend my time mean the most to me.

What about you? Do you have any excesses in your life that need to be dealt with? Where can you start?

Excuse Me… Or Not

So, I’m up in my computer room with both of my boys. I burp. I hear Joshua say something like “Excuse you, Daddy”. Later on, I burp again, and hear the same thing.

It occurred to me that maybe this is the appropriate time to teach him about guy stuff. Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you haven’t had at least one guy friend that, when you burped, tried to top it. It doesn’t matter how civilized you might be, we’ve all had a few friends that we were comfortable, not only in displaying our bodily functions in front of, but in trying to top them.

Is It Realistic To Be "Happy With What You Have"?

I met my wife when I was 25. Prior to that, I was that loser "nice guy" who complained about not being able to meet girls. When I had friends who complained about their wives or girlfriends, I'd tell them that they should be happy they have someone to complain about.

I think we all have an area of our lives that we're unhappy with, yet there is always somebody around to tell us that we should be happy with it. "I don't like my job" is answered by "Well, at least you have a job. You should be happy that you have a job".

On some levels, we should be content with what we have. But on other levels, doesn't some discontentment drive us on to better things? If you don't like your job, shouldn't that drive you to get a better one? If you don't like your neighborhood, shouldn't that drive you to move to a better one?

Is it really smart to stay in a job you don't like just because there are people who don't have jobs?

When I was a kid, my mom was a really bad cook. Yes, we talked about it after I grew up. She knew she wasn't very good at cooking, and my dad liked his food incredibly bland, which is what she cooked for. I like lots of flavor. When my mom cooked something that I couldn't eat, (seriously, I grew up thinking lasagna was horrible!) I'd be told "You should eat that. There are starving kids in Africa". I always suggested we send my mom's cooking to Africa and let me make a sandwich.

I'm not sure there are any hard and fast rules to govern the situations where you should be content with your situation and when you should strive for better. I think if you exercise wisdom and caution, you should be all right. If you don't like your car, but you have to place your family in financial peril to make the payments on a new one, then you should probably be content with your car. If you don't like your house, but you have to take up a sub-prime Adjustable Rate (Rape) Mortgage (ARM) to get a better one, then you should probably be content with what you have for now. If you don't like your spouse, I can't help you in this post, but I have come across some interesting thoughts on love that I might share in another if anybody will actually read it. It helped me a lot.

If you don't like your job, I'm all in favor of bettering yourself and getting a better job. I've done it a few times myself. There are ALWAYS jobs out there. Yes, even in the Great Depression there were jobs. 30% unemployment means 70% employment. You just have to stand out a little better to get a job in those situations, but they're out there.

I guess "be content with what you have" could function as a general guiding principle by which to live your life, but it shouldn't be considered a law of behavior.

I think I've rambled on enough and not given enough answers. What about you? What rules do you have for when you should be content and when you should strive to improve?

Super Mario Bros.Wii: Generations of Fun

Somebody bought my kids the new Super Mario Bros. for the Wii. Joshua asked me to play with him on Sunday, and again yesterday after work.

I'm not much of a gamer. I get the feeling Joshua will be. He's always been good at figuring games out without much help. I don't game because I know my weaknesses and limitations. I know how much time I have to devote once I'm hooked on a game, and I don't have the time to spend on games right now. The last two games I seriously got into were Diablo 2 and The Simms (1st version).

Super Mario has changed, yet stayed the same. I found the controls to work the way I remembered them on Nintendo and Super Nintendo. There are some new special items like a helicopter suit.

I thought it was funny when Joshua told me that I'm good at this. I told him I played the original Super Mario Brothers, probably 20 years ago. I think it was about 87 or 88 when I got my first Nintendo along with Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. I always wanted to shoot the dog when it laughed at me for missing a duck.

Joshua really like the Yoshies. I thought they were fun too.

My dad never played Super Mario with me, but in our case, we can have "generations of fun with it." It took me a long time to get him to pronounce it right though. He kept calling it "Maroh". He also didn't understand Mario's "Letsa go!" at first.

The Kids Were Just Too Cute Today

(This picture was from several weeks ago)

I’m writing this post from a hotel room. I’m on travel. I got up this morning, and after packing walked down to pick up my rental car. When I got back, I went out to eat breakfast with my family. Christina drove my Kia Sedona and I drove the rental car to OCB (Old Country Buffet). The funny thing was, when I loaded the rental car at home, Joshua kept asking if he could ride with me. Caleb didn’t bother to ask. He just took his booster seat out of the minivan and walked toward the rental (Ford Focus). Joshua took the hint and grabbed his booster too. By this point, there was no way I could say no, considering I was planning to leave after breakfast while Christina took the kids on to some other planned activities.

That’s a weird contract between the kids. Joshua was asking, Caleb just grabbed his seat. I have to wonder, how many things are we denied because we ask? How many people get what they want because they just do it? I have to admit, sometimes the kids ask me for something, and I deny it for arbitrary and capricious reasons. Maybe I’m too tired and distracted to deal with it. I have to wonder how many requests I’ve been denied in my life for similar reasons.

Another funny point. At one point in the drive to OCB, I pulled into one lane and Christina pulled up right next to me in the other. I knew the two lanes merged after that light. When the light turned green, I stomped the gas and pulled ahead. The kids were giggling for several minutes. They loved it.

Book Review: Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Although this book has been out for several years, Thomas Nelson recently decided to bring it back to the forefront and generate new attention for it. I got a free review copy. I found it to be a very good book. I’ve read quite a few books on marriage, and I’ve been to a few marriage conferences. I have not attended the Love and Respect conference that serves as a companion to this book (or the other way around), but I’ll look for one.

I would like to get my wife to read this book. I would like to get several of my friends’ wives to read this book. I found this book to be a very good balance between the needs of husbands and wives.

I’ve read quite a few books on marriage. Some were good. Some weren’t. Some were little more than sloganeering “Men, love your wives as Christ loved the church!” with little practical advice. Others did little more than tell men what failures we are as husbands. This book actually teaches something new that I hadn’t learned before. I think that it is highly enlightening, especially on the woman’s perspective.

You Ever Tell Your Kids Something That Gets Thrown Back in Your Face?

This was painful. I’ve been telling my kids for a long time that “accidents don’t happen when you pay attention to what you’re doing”. I started this when they were toddlers and would knock cups off the table, resulting in a mess that I had to clean up. I still tell them this. When one of them falls off a chair because he wasn’t sitting in it right, I again remind them that “accidents don’t happen when you pay attention to what you’re doing”.

We threw out a couch yesterday. The kids broke it, and it was no good to us. We needed to replace it. We went to a consignment shop today and found a chair that would make a good temporary replacement. We went with a chair because it would fit in my minivan. To buy a couch, we’d have to drop the kids off, take the seats out, etc. Mostly, we just buy cheap stuff, or try to find something free on Craig’s List. Couches in our house don’t seem to last longer than 6 months or a year. We’ll stick to cheap stuff until the kids leave for college. Then we’ll have something nice until we have grandchildren, then we’ll just go back to cheap stuff again.

How To Become Patient

On Sunday I wrote about patience. If you read it (and thank you for being a reader if you did), maybe you were left wondering something like “Oh, you want me to become patient. That’s nice. How? Is this like Chevy Chase’s line in Caddyshack: ‘Be the ball, Danny. Be the ball’?”

No. Not exactly.

If patience is a discipline, then there should be some objective ways to practice patience, just as you would practice music, or regularly workout while getting in shape. Our patience, or lack of patience, can be broken down into habits and behaviors. We’ve learned these, and in most cases we can unlearn them while learning new habits and behaviors.

I have no idea how far any of us are capable of changing in the area of patience. Honestly, I don’t. But I bet that any of us are capable of at least a little bit of change.

Patience: Can You Pray For It, Or Just Do It?

I was having a talk with some friends from church recently, and the subject of patience came up. The subject came up along with the old line “I’ve been praying for patience.” I’ve done that plenty of times myself.

I started to change my perspective on patience recently though. I was studying the Proverbs. I started reading one chapter each day, the chapter that corresponds to the calendar date (for instance, today would be Proverbs 20 because it’s September 20th). I stopped recently though, and have to get back to it.

I’m sure anybody who has studied Proverbs has also heard some of the Proverbs taught legalistically. For instance, Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” I have heard of people being counseled by pastors or other church members that when one of their children runs astray, it’s their fault for not training up the child.

“Those Were The Days” Emails

I took the boys outside this afternoon to ride their bikes and scooters on the sidewalk. I know the fresh air is good for all of us, but of course I’m happiest cooped on on my computers or with a book or something. That doesn’t help my health much. I got to thinking as I watched them ride between the arbitrary boundaries that I set for them about how I seemed to have had more freedom when I was their age than we’re willing to give them.

I grew up in an Air Force family. When I was Joshua’s age of 4 (he’ll be 5 in a few weeks) I had some freedom to go up and down the street. At that age, my dad was stationed at Tyndale Air Force Base in Panama City, Florida. We rented a house “on town” for a year, then moved into base housing. I don’t remember much about our rented house other than one of those old tubs that had legs on it, and we fled from a hurricane (probably in ‘78 or ‘79) by heading into Georgia. When we lived on base, I can remember playing in some woods near our housing unit. I also remember a road that was being constructed that we would explore around. There was no traffic as it was being constructed.

I also remember riding my bike with my friends to a mini-mart or something to buy ice cream. I think I was able to mostly come and go from the house without worry.

I also had some freedom when we lived in Germany from ‘80-‘85. We would run around the woods in base housing. As I got older, we would often walk to the ruins of a castle in a nearby town. Often, this was done without checking for permission.

They Grow Up So Fast

Ikea had a country kitchen bench that my wife wanted. It was always out of stock, but two weeks ago we found it and I bought it for her. We then found out that it won't push under our table and therefore it's too big for our kitchen. I have to take it back to Ikea.

I decided to try to load it in the car by myself. As I started dragging it out to my minivan, Joshua grabbed one end and picked it up. Caleb, who loves to help, grabbed the middle. They actually helped me carry it out to the car. I had to get a picture.

Seems like just yesterday I was handed a screaming bundle of blankets that needed a diaper change. Suddenly, we're creeping up on 4th and 5th birthdays and they're helping me carry furniture. Time sure flies. I'm proud of my boys.

Father’s Day Is Tomorrow. Are You Excited?

I’m not. I have a few reasons. I’m sure I’ll get up and find some cards and presents on the table. I like presents. My wife has a habit of throwing cards out as soon as they’re read, which makes me wonder what the point to them is. I normally keep them, but after a while I start to wonder why. I’m trying to reduce some clutter in my life, and I don’t know what to keep anymore and what to toss.

After that, we’ll go to church. I can’t say that I know for sure what the sermon will be. Steve is preaching (Dr. Steve Sikes- a wonderful man and awesome minister) but I don’t know what the topic will be.

We make a huge deal in our culture about motherhood. Mothers are honored. Fathers, it’s sort of another story. On Mother’s Day, we get sermons about some of the great mothers in the Bible. On Father’s Day, we sometimes get to hear about the fathers who are absent or do a horrible job. Sometimes we don’t even get a sermon about fathers.

The Gift of Perspective: Review of Andy Andrews’ “The Noticer”

I have greatly enjoyed being part of Thomas Nelson’s Book Review Bloggers program. I had just requested and started reading John Maxwell’s “Put Your Dream to the Test” when I got an email stating that Thomas Nelson was promoting an upcoming release of a new book by Andy Andrews called “The Noticer”. They had three hundred copies and would release them to the first three hundred bloggers to respond to the email who were willing to commit to read and review the book, but post the reviews all on April 27, the date of the release. I figured that might be a tall order, but my path cleared for me. I found out that the Kindle version of John Maxwell’s book was free for a few days, so I downloaded that to my iPhone. I like electronic copies of books. I seem to be able to read them faster, and I also have more opportunities to read an eBook. I always have my phone on me, while it’s not always convenient to carry a physical book. The first obstacle, reading two physical books mostly at home, was overcome. With the Kindle version, I found time to read at work, at Chuck E Cheese, and at a food auction.

The next hurdle, time, worked out on its own. My wife was making ham pie at her parents’ house, and I came home from work. Since she was out, she thought I should work late. There was plenty of work to do and extra pay is always nice, but I couldn’t take another second in my cubicle, so I came home. I picked up the book, and started reading. I’m normally a slow reader. I read about the pace I could read out loud. I have learned various scanning techniques to read faster, but I don’t retain as much, so I go at my pace. (Update: after reading the hard copy in the afternoon, I visited Thomas Nelson’s product page to get details for the book and discovered that there is an electronic edition. Oh, well, I can read it again on my iPhone later.)

The Noticer had a lot of hype surrounding it. I hoped to find that it lived up to the hype. Thomas Nelson CEO, Michael Hyatt, had send out several tweets and even wrote a blog post based around the book.

I normally avoid this type of genre. I’m wary of “inspirational” books. I find it to be the kind of market that is easily flooded by BS artists who make people feel really good but add little value to their lives, or at least to my life. Once the inspiration wears off, I’m left holding my life with no new tools but mindless clichés to show for it. But I am a book geek, and there’s a strange thrill for me in having a book that hasn’t been released yet, and I did commit to read and review it, so I dug in. Oh, yeah, I also tend to *cough, cough* be brought to tears a little too easily by emotional material. My wife is mean to me when we watch those kind of movies together.

First, the technical details. The Noticer is a hardcover, jacketed book with 176 pages. MSRP is $17.99. Amazon has it listed for $12.23.

The story centers around Orange Beach, Alabama. It is mostly told in the first person of Andy, I assume Andy Andrews, the author, and his encounters with an old man, Jones, as Jones’ encounters with other weave through the story. The story begins with Andy as a homeless kid of about 20 living under a pier. Jones encounters him, somehow knowing everything about him. Jones speaks about how everybody needs a little perspective, and leaves Andy with three biographies. These inspire Andy, and Jones leaves him three more. Andy begins going to the library, eventually reading more than 200 biographies and going on to a successful life. The story then skips a decade or so, with Andy in his successful life with a wife and two children. He encounters Jones again.

The rest of the book consists of Jones somehow showing up to several different people in different situations, giving them a new perspective and changing their lives. Jones is somehow nobody in particular. He is, I guess we could say, all things to all people. The whites call him Jones. The Hispanics call him Garcia. The Chinese call him Chen. He always somehow manages to show up in each person’s life when they need perspective. I guess I should not give away the ending.

I would like to discuss the format and my own opinions, as this is my review and my blog. Don’t worry, I liked the book and I think you should read it. The Noticer is a very quick and easy read. I read a few pages before work on a Friday and finished the book in a couple of hours that afternoon while I had some time alone. It’s a very quick read even for a slow reader like myself.

The format of The Noticer is a story. Stories can be very powerful. Jesus spoke in parables as a means of teaching because it is very powerful. It cuts to the heart, yet it can also be used to conceal some things from blind eyes, and to cut right to the hearts of the open eyes. Stories can be a powerful and effective way to get a point across. I have learned a lot from books such as Johnny Tremain, a fictional account of the time of the American Revolution. It was obviously fictional, but an insight into life and events in those days. Sometimes I wish someone like Tom Clancy could be hired to write tech manuals. Come on, you’d read your printer manual if it were centered around a socio/political techno thriller. I learn a lot from stories. Of course, stories can also be used to lead someone astray. You have to be careful on the journey of a story exactly where you’re being led. I do not feel any such misleading in The Noticer.

I’m sure that of all the characters and situations Jones moves through in The Noticer, you’ll most likely find one that you identify with. I didn’t identify with all, but quite a few  left me putting my glasses aside to wipe my eyes on my shirt and hope my wife didn’t suddenly come home to pick on me. One day I’m going to find a book or movie that makes her cry…I believe I gleaned a lot from The Noticer. I will say that one line I hope stays with me forever is this, from page 65: “One way to define wisdom is the ability to see, into the future, the consequences of your choices in the present.” That is powerful!

For those of you who don’t like “religious stuff”, I don’t think this book will get to you. There are a few vague and general references to church and to God. The book definitely sets a generalized “Christian” type of tone without being specifically Christian. I’m sure some might have problems with that. I figure, if it plants a seed, that has to be a good thing.

One thing I think we should all take away from this book is that we need to stop and get our perspective. Life is full of crises and storms, and it is those that make us stronger and more capable of helping others through crises. We also should not forget that we need each other. We have no concept of how much the little things that we do in our daily lives will impact others.

There is also a companion project called “The Noticer Project”. It has to do with publically noticing 5 people who have had an impact on your life. I’m personally having a hard time deciding on 5. I’m sure if there were more, it wouldn’t be breaking the rules to list them. My wife has let me know that she better be on there.

Joshua With A Hymnal

On Easter Sunday, Christina had to work in the church nursery. She took Caleb with her and I took Joshua to the auditorium. At one point, we stood to sing. Joshua took out a hymnal and stood on the pew. He looks so serious that I had to take a picture of him. Note that we put our hymns on Power Point, and even during tech problems we basically sing the same hymns over and over again, so there is little need for the hymnals. Anyway, I couldn't resist this picture of Joshua.

Caleb Hard At Work on the iMac

I don't post many pictures. I haven't put any on Facebook because of their TOS, or at least my understanding of it. I took this picture last night. I have an old G3 iMac that a friend gave me. I keep it around for the kids. I figure they can't hurt it. I took this picture last night with my iPhone. With the iPhone and TypePad client, I figure I might end up posting pictures more often.

The Things Kids Say

I certainly don't want to bore any readers I have with family stories. At least, I don't want to bore you anymore than I already have. I just couldn't resist a quick post.

On Thursday nights, my wife has been going to a food auction. She's really starting to enjoy it and has gotten some good items at great prices. Last night was also Dave Ramsey's Town Hall for Hope, which I wanted to attend. Our church was hosting it, so I just went there. Since there are two of us and two children, we went 50/50. She took Joshua to the food auction and I took Caleb to church.

All of that is simply setup. On the way home, I got stuck behind a very slow car. I've lived in New Jersey about 10 years now. I don't fit in here in a lot of ways, but my aggressive driving is a perfect fit for this place. I get very frustrated when I'm stuck behind a slow car, especially when the driver seems to be totally clueless. It's even worse when the driver of the slow car speeds up and slows down and weaves back and forth in one lane.

I've always talked to other cars. I usually think I'm funny, but rarely does anybody else share in the amusement. Last night was no different, as I started mumbling "Can you drive any slower?" and "Wow, 25 in a 35, uphill! We're moving now!" Suddenly Caleb yelled "Hey, car, move it!" I told Caleb that the car can't hear him, so he yelled louder. I joined in and we went back and forth for a minute or two of G-rated comments about the other car's driving.

Then came the moment: "Hey, car, why aren't you listening to Daddy?" That was priceless. I get the feeling that Caleb is going to be a lot of fun to teach to drive in 13-14 years.

Interesting: How to Handle the "Honey-do" List

I came across this post today in Google Reader about a creative way to handle the "Honey-do" list. I don't call it that. I think the "Honey-do List" sounds really stupid, and for some reason, if I find a word to sound stupid, it takes a lot of will to say it. My father-in-law wanted our kids to call him "pop-pop", which (no offense intended to anybody) makes me feel like a moron and at first I refused to say it. I referred to him as "Grandpa", which is how we did things in MY family. I am not from the New Jersey area and there are a few culture clashes between me and this place. Eventually I made a deal with my wife, and I force the childish "pop-pop" up my throat and through my mouth, even though I feel like an idiot, out of respect for him and as part of my deal with my wife. I think I've held up my end of the deal better than she has.

I call the "Honey-do List" the "Nag List". I don't mean to sound demeaning to my wife, but I'm an egghead and I hate "Honey-do" list. Maybe that's my secret: she doesn't add much to the Nag List because of what I call it. My wife had a creative way of handling the Nag List though. Last year, my desktop computer was dying and underpowered. She bought me a new computer at Sam's and told me I could have it when the list was completed. I finished most of it in a weekend, and had what I thought were really good reasons why I couldn't finish the last couple of things. I did a few extras to make up for it, and got my computer.

FaceBook Applications

I'm sitting on the couch with my wife "discussing" FaceBook applications. Honestly, I've never gotten the point to these things. It takes more time to accept the requests than it seems worth to me. She just sent me a "coffee". Actually, it's a picture of a Starbucks beverage. I said it would have meant more to me if she'd brewed a pot and poured me a cup of the real stuff. She asked what kind of wine I'd like, and I said whatever we have in the house. She asked what kind of desert I'd like, and I said whatever we have in the house again.

At least it's giving us some time together. I took my Redfly out to write this blog post.

Honestly, I don't get the point to most of these FaceBook requests. I like FaceBook for the most part. I've seen several bloggers shut down their FaceBook and Twitter profiles. I keep mine up so people can find me, and so I can interact with other people. I've recently enjoyed trading comments back and forth with a Navy buddy from my first ship. I like leaving comments on other people's statuses, and I like when people leave comments on mine. All (or most) of my Twitter posts go to FaceBook. I sometimes forget that. But for the life of me, I can't understand the point to trading coffees, San Antonio Spurs waves (some of my high school friends are on FaceBook), and giving plants and deserts and KFC and Krispy Crème donuts. I don't get it. It seems to take longer to deal with this stuff than it's worth.

My wife logged onto my account and she's going through 40 some requests and "gifts". That's a relief for me. Maybe I'll let her handle it for me.

If none of this makes sense, it's almost 11 PM EST. I'm almost never up this late.

Should it be Easier to ask Forgiveness Than to Seek Permission?

During my time in the Navy, I was introduced to the concept that “it is easier to ask forgiveness than to seek permission.” I thought that was a catchy concept and it became part of my philosophy. Having grown up in the military, I wondered why I’d never heard this earlier. I was an E-5 when I first learned of this concept.

Normally, this is applied to silly little requests that could just as easily be granted but for whatever reason, it is expected that they won’t be granted by whomever is in authority. As an example, I could ask my wife if I can stop at Wawa tomorrow morning, take out $20, and buy a breakfast sandwich. It’s a silly request, and as an engineer I obviously make enough money to buy a sub $3 breakfast sandwich. It won’t kill our budget at all. I know that if I ask, my wife will at best try to talk me out of it or at worst tell me no. I also have the choice to go ahead and do it. At worst, she’ll notice a $20 withdrawal and ask me what it was for. I’ll explain. She’ll be disappointed but will eventually forget about it. (I’m not trying to pick on my wife; I’m only trying to make a point. I also occasionally throw things out to see if she’s keeping up with my blog).

How Can I Drive in New Jersey and Not Influence my Kids?

I’m mostly serious with this one. I want to be facetious, and there is a little of that in this post, but the subject is a serious one. My wife relayed a story to me. She took the kids to the Amish market a few weeks ago. I was home from work sick and not about to go anywhere. At dinner that night, she told me that Joshua ran into Caleb with the shopping cart, and Caleb said “What where you’re going, idiot!” Note that Caleb is 3, so I should applaud him for his application of this concept however misplaced it may have been.

I’m not aware of calling many other drivers idiots (at least not with my kids in the car). To be honest, the terms I use are far worse. For some reason, New Jersey drivers have some weird mentality that it is better for both you and them to die than to ease up and let you change lanes. These people often get downright hostile when it comes to letting another car in front of them. When I leave work in the afternoon, I always run into somebody who refuses to let me over as I’m merging onto the Walt Whitman bridge. I’ve had several times in my 10 years of living in New Jersey when another car refused to let me merge on the highway. I would be coming up the onramp and another car was in the left lane and we were side by side. I would accelerate, and the other car would match my acceleration. It always seems to happen when there is a tight line of cars following this one person so slowing down and hoping somebody else will let me over isn’t a good option. I once had an ambulance try to run me off the road like that. It was the same ambulance company a family member works for. I should have written down the number, but that family member assures me a person who drives like that probably didn’t last long.

When Surveys Get Pushy

I can remember back to the days of the last NJ Governor's election in 2005. Let's see, it was Demonican John Corzine vs. ideological duplication Republicrat Doug Forrester. Seriously, if I were voting AGAINST Corzine, what was my point of voting FOR Forrester, who came out at the last minute and basically said "I am Corzine!" Anyway, that's not the point of this post. I don't care about Demonicans and Republicrats.

During the course of the election, I had a knock at my door. It was a woman with a clipboard wanting to know who we were planning to vote for, and insistent that it be Corzine. I said I wasn't likely to vote for either of the carbon-copy party candidates, and I would either vote Libertarian, or since voting anything BUT Demonican in New Jersey doesn't count, maybe the New Jersey Weedman. He's a stoner candidate. This woman wanted to know for sure who I was committed to. I don't remember the exact date, but the election was somewhere between two months and three weeks away. Caleb was born that August, so he was between 1 and 3 months at the time. Neither of us got adequate sleep, but Christina took more of it. I decided to be nice and go back to the family room to ask her. When she said she didn't care. I went back to the door.

One of the Happiest Days of Christina’s Life

I’ve had people ask me to put up pictures for some time now. I’m afraid to put them on Facebook because they claim to own your content. I doubt silly pictures of my kids could be commercialized by Facebook, but still, just because the possibility exists I’m hesitant to take the chance. I know FaceBook just reverted to an older Terms of Service, but still…

In October, I went to the Food and Wine show in Atlantic City with my wife and my father-in-law. My mother-in-law stayed behind to watch the boys. My sister-in-law had tickets that she never got to use, so we went back on Sunday (we used our tickets on Saturday) with the boys.

Rant: Valentine’s Cards and Men and Directions

This post is going to be little more than a rant. If you don't like rants, please read some of my other work. I appreciate good rants. If they're well written, they can be highly entertaining and they can make a point. Maddox is a master of the rant. I enjoy reading his rants.

Last night, my wife and I were at Wal-mart. I broke away to look at Valentine's Day cards. The first thing I noticed is that a bunch of women were blocking the small section devoted to cards for wives. I don't know why. I'm not aware of a high lesbian population in Deptford, NJ. I finally got an opening and went in to see what I could find. I like to go for the slightly humorous cards when I can find them. The first card I picked up sounded cool, except of course it had to make mention of "I get lost because I won't ask directions." I'm a geek. I love humor, but I also love accuracy. I have a phone with a GPS and Google Maps, so seriously, there is no need to ask anyone but Google for directions. I put the card away. I picked up another one. Same thing: it had some decent self-depreciating humor but also had to bring up the "men always get lost because we're too stubborn and stupid to waste precious time by stopping the car and getting out and waiting for some clueless gas station attendant who can't speak English to give us directions". I editorialized that line a little bit. I put that card away and picked up another one. Same thing: 3 good points, but the direction thing. By this point, I was getting frustrated and decided that now my ultimate goal was to find a Valentine's Day card that had nothing to do with men, driving, and directions.

No Spend January

My wife got the idea to go for an entire month without spending money. I think she got the idea from one of her blogs. At first, I was against the idea, then I didn’t believe it could work, but I decided that we had nothing to lose and agreed to do it. Here are some of my thoughts and experiences from our “no-spend” month.

Obviously, going into a no spend month requires setting some goals and boundaries. It’s  impractical to not spend ANY money whatsoever, so we had to restrict ourselves to the most necessary expenses. I needed to put gas in my car to get to work, and we allowed a $20 a week withdrawal for fresh fruits and vegetables. We figured this would be realistic. We also allowed cash withdrawals to give to church. My wife fueled her car up at the end of December. Since my car is the family car, hers is only used for errands and she can easily go two or three weeks without putting gas in her car.

What Christmas Traditions Do You Have?

Assuming you observe Christmas (if you don't, I assume you would skip this post), do you have any favorite traditions?

Growing up, we always got to open one present on Christmas Eve, before bed. Then on Christmas Day, we'd get up for hot chocolate and open our stocking presents. Then we'd have breakfast and open the rest of the presents. We always had a "manager", normally my mom since she knew what everybody was getting, who made sure that everybody had a present ready to open. One person would open a present while everybody would watch. We'd take turns. Being a small family, it stopped after that. Sometime around 10 or 11, we'd be done, and that was the end of Christmas. For a few years we'd eat lunch at the base mess hall, since they had a good spread. My mom was cheap and didn't like to cook or clean up, so that was a real bargain for her. We never had dinner, since my mom didn't like to eat after lunch. Seriously, some Christmas dinners consisted of sandwiches since my dad, my brother, and I all had bodies that enjoyed some sort of evening norishment. Normally after we finished opening presents we'd just take our presents back to our rooms to play with, then call friends and see what everybody else got.

Contrast that to today, sharing Christmas with my wife's family, and those were the good old lazy days. Today, Christmas is a whirlwind of activity and appointments. Last year, Christmas ended up in 4 locations! That was a lot of driving.

In my wife's family, everything starts on Christmas Eve with the 7 Fish Feast. As I understand it, this is an Italian tradition. This is normally held at the fire hall, as it encompasses the whole extended family plus friends. It gets pretty large. I don't think there are 7 actual fish, but there are fillets and shrimp and scallops and pasta and wine. That's good enough for me! In previous years, I tried to take Christmas Eve off when possible, but I'm new on the job and don't have a big vacation balance built up, so after work today, I have to drive from Philadelphia to home, then down to my in-laws' house, then to the fire hall. I expect a lot of traffic. I always preferred to just get to my in-laws' around noon and sit there all afternoon to avoid traffic, but that's not an option this year.

After that, we go home. In the last two years, we were afraid that the kids would fall asleep in the car so we had to stay at the fire hall until about 8 PM so we could put them in their pajamas and nighttime diapers and let them fall asleep in the car. This year the kids are a little older (3 and 4), so we could probably leave around 7 without fear.

Christmas Day we wake up the kids and go to open presents. My wife makes hot chocolate (I need my coffee too) and we usually eat a Stollen when we can find one. We can't dawdle, because around 10 or 11, we have to be at one of my wife's aunts', uncles', or cousin's houses for the more immediate family. There we eat leftovers from the 7 fish feast and exchange presents. One day I might start tracking how many candles get regifted from year to year. After that ends, we head to the in-laws' house for more presents, then hang out there until dinner. After dinner, I have to load all of our stuff in the car, and for some reason in New Jersey the weather likes to give me a cold rain right about this time. Then we go home.

Last year varied. After leaving the immediate family, we went to the in-laws' for the afternoon. Then my wife's sister wanted to host dinner, so we drove over there. For some reason, my wife was sick, so I had to leave to drive her back to our house, then go back to attend to the kids. I remember that the heat was cranked all the way up, about one setting below "Christmas in August". When I sat down to dinner, I was asked what I wanted to drink. The coldest thing in the house was beer, so I asked for beer. I still look back at the irony that I drank a beer at Christmas dinner, not to drink beer, but to keep myself cool. Seriously, it was hot in there, and honestly, the beer helped because I also had to attend to both kids.

Unfortunately, when Christmas falls on a Sunday, the running around precludes church attendance.

This year, hopefully things will be simpler. We're doing Christmas dinner at our house, so we'll get up, open presents, to to cousin's, come back home, open more presents, then have dinner. Of course, the trade off in driving is cleaning up. I'm not spared from having to load presents in and out of the car in the cold rain, because we brought ALL of the presents, like for everybody in the family, home on Sunday night, when it was really cold.

Merry Christmas, or happy unspecific cultural observance, whichever you prefer.

How Do You Treat the Santa Discussion?

Note: Windows Live Writer crashed, and I'm using TypePad's WYSIWYG client. This post published yesterday when I tried to save it as a draft, so if you saw this in an RSS reader in it's unfinished state, that's why.

Note2: Merry Christmas!

Growing up, my mom was adamant though that we understand that "Santa is pretend." You would be surprised at the trouble that got us into. My dad was career Air Force. When I was about 5, he brought me to work with him. He was an E-5 at the time. His E-7 started asking me about Santa Claus. I responded as my mom taught me "Santa is pretend." This (I must use strong language) SON OF A BITCH started yelling at me and demanding that I for whatever reason believe Santa is real. This exchange brought me to tears as I had no idea at the time what I could have done to make this SON OF A BITCH angry with me. I have no idea what his problem was. What kind of low-life SON OF A BITCH makes a 5 year old boy cry over SANTA CLAUS? I imagine a person like that lives in a trailer park and spends his military retirement pay on lottery tickets and cheap beer (I think far less of lottery tickets than I do trailer parks and cheap beer. I can see a use in life for trailer parks and cheap beer). Even more disturbing was my dad's lack of a reaction, although to this day my dad remains impressed at how I stood my ground against his idiot supervisor. I realize that in the late 70's, E-5's didn't start chewing out their superior non-comms, even if they were idiots. I still can't see myself putting up with that kind of crap if somebody tried that with my boys. I don't think I'd stand for it even if that person had the ability to ruin my career unchecked like the E-7's my dad always seemed to work under. When I was an E-5 in the Navy, I let loose on E-7's over lesser stupidity than that, but I guess things changed a little in my generation. I grew up watching my dad come home frustrated at the stupidity that he worked around, but without the courage to speak up about it. I guess in his generation, you just didn't tell your boss when you disagreed; you saved up your frustrations until you got home and shared them with your family in various non-constructive ways. I decided I wasn't going to live like that. 

What Am I Missing II: Silence

I ran across a post by Mark Driscoll about Silence. I should know as much as anybody what it’s like to have a steady stream of information coming in, yet for some reason I don’t feel it as a crushing weight. I read a lot of bloggers complaining about a lack of silence. For some reason, I tend to feel comfortable with a lot of information coming in at once. I subscribe to 113 blogs at present in Google Reader. Some of them are like Lifehacker and put up a lot of posts a day. A few of them haven’t put up a new post in months. I also subscribe to several podcasts through iTunes, which I sync to my iPod Touch. I find a lot of websites on the internet that I want to read and look into more. On top of it all, I seem to have new books and magazines flowing into my house faster than I can read the old ones.

How do I do it without going crazy? Good question. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have many friends and therefore have more time, but that’s not true. I have a family and a job.

Let me tell you my trick, which really doesn’t seem like it’s that tricky. I don’t let the flow of information coming in become my master. If a blog that I follow starts to get out of hand or starts to become a waste of my time, I delete the feed from Google Reader. I periodically reevaluate the podcasts I subscribe to. At one point, I had more podcasts than any human being could keep up with and I had to reevaluate which ones my time was best spent listening to. I used to love Leo LaPorte’s TWIT network, but I finally got tired of listening to them complaining about Windows Vista, plus their podcasts got longer and became more like listening to friends ramble than a panel of experts discussing pertinent tech topics. I deleted those subscriptions as they weren’t a good use of my time anymore. Other podcasts became more important to the limited time I have. I’ve had plenty of other podcasts that I stopped subscribing to.

As for my books, I just let them pile up. When I finish one, I pick another one. Sometimes I pick one up and just can’t get into it, so I put it aside and get another one. I have plenty to choose from. I dream one day of having a huge personal library like blue-blood rich people in movies have, with bookshelves all the way up the wall that require ladders to get to the top. That would be so cool.

I’ve written before that for those rare times that I don’t want to talk on the phone, I ignore calls or just shut the phone off. I don’t do that often. It’s very rare.

There are some things I just can’t do anything about. The location of my cubicle at work is an example. I have the corner cube outside the conference room and next to the door, so people walk by looking in at me all day, plus people are in the conference room and other people walk by, stop, and talk loud. I can’t do anything about that and it does drive me nuts. I also can’t do anything about traffic, and I can’t do anything about crowds. But for those “inputs” that I have control over, I keep the relationship just like that: I keep them under control,.

If you feel like the information streaming into your life is totally out of control, then get it under control. Draw some boundaries. I don’t mean push your family out of the picture, but draw some boundaries. Take some charge and responsibility for yourself. I recommend the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend if you need help in this area. The link is below, and I have also added the book to my Amazon aStore if you find that more convenient.

Should It Be OK For Adult Children To Live With Their Parents Long Term?

I’ve been working on this post for over a week, but haven’t found a way to finalize it. It turns out this video might be what I’ve been missing. Remember Stanly Johnson? I thought that was hilarious. “How do I do it? I’m in debt up to my eyeballs. Somebody kill me. Please?” This is the “new” Stanley Johnson, and a perfect lead-in to my question:

I grew up in the Air Force. My dad was a career enlisted man, and retired as a Tech Sergeant with 21 years in 1987 in San Antonio, Tx, where he still lives. Spending my high school years in San Antonio, most of my friends were military brats as well. The majority of us planned to either join the military or leave for college after we graduated. I can’t remember anybody saying “I’m just going to live rent free with my parents until I have grandchildren.” I’m being mildly factitious, but only mildly. I can’t ever remember thinking that I would not be ashamed to be living with my parents as an adult. I’m hardly a representative sample of ANY group, but I distinctly remember (and my mom, up to her passing away, kept bringing it up) that when I was 4, I informed my parents I was moving out. They told me I could not move out until I was 18, so I spent the next 14 years planning to move out on my 18th birthday. I had a few pesky snags in that plan, like having 2 months left in high school and a Kentucky Fried Chicken salary that wouldn’t cover living alone at the time, but 2 months after I turned 18, I graduated and left for Navy Recruit Training and never looked back. I joined the Delayed Enlistment Program at the end of my Junior year of high school, when I was 17. Sometime during my Senior year, my mom approached me and said that if I wanted to live at home after I graduated, I would have to pay rent. I told her I already had an enlistment contract and that would not be a problem. (She knew that at the time, which has left me wondering to this day why we had that conversation.)

Seven years later, after serving in the Navy for six years and working in San Diego for about a year, I moved to New Jersey on a job offer that included relocation, which I could not match in San Diego. I was 25, and I was proud to have my own apartment. I’d already been splitting an apartment with a friend for 3 years, but this one was all mine. I was completely shocked to find that just about every other 20-30 year old I encountered still lived at home with mommy and daddy. Many weren’t even expected to chip in for rent or do very many chores. It utterly blew my mind. I’ve been to some interesting countries. I spent a summer when I was 17 with a German family. My mom had exchange students every year. I’ve been to places that some who may read this post might not be able to locate on a map. I’m hardly a world traveler, but I have seen a few things. Nothing shocked me as much as adult children proudly living with their parents long term. (The runner up was in Bali, when I could not walk two steps without people either begging or trying to sell me cheap junk for money, and when I pulled my money out of my pocket, people swarmed from out of nowhere and started grabbing it. That really freaked me out, and once we got a hotel room I was afraid to leave.)

Children and Scripture Memorization

Starting this past September, we’ve been taking our boys to an AWANA program at the Berean Baptist Church in Magnolia, NJ. My wife grew up in AWANA and thought it would be good for the kids. As part of AWANA, they have to listen to a story and memorize a Bible verse every week. That’s been interesting at some points. The first several weeks, I had trouble finding time to work with them, but I’ve found that they do a better job if I (rather than my wife) work with them. I don’t know why this is, but it seems to work better.

The verses I can best describe as children’s adaptations from the King James. I was having trouble getting them to understand this week’s verse properly. The adaptation is from Luke 5:20 and goes “He said unto him, man, thy sins are forgiven.” Caleb kept saying “my sins are forgiven.” That’s not what the verse is saying. My wife told me that I can adapt it so they’ll understand it. I decided to give them the verse in context “Jesus said unto him, Man, your sins are forgiven.” They kept saying “ma’am” in that verse. I was looking for a quick way to explain it, and I tried a quick adaptation of the verse that is sure to draw the ire of their teachers: “Jesus said unto him, Dude, your sins are forgiven.” Unfortunately, that one took and I’ve been trying to break them of it since.

My Review of Lynne Spears’ Through the Storm

With their publication of Stephen Mansfield’s “The Faith of Barack Obama”, Thomas Nelson instituted a program that I hope continues, offering the first 200 bloggers to respond the chance to get a free copy of a book in exchange for a 200 word review, positive or negative. I thoroughly enjoyed the chance to read and review “The Faith of Barack Obama” and I was thrilled to see the offer repeated for Lynne Spears' new book, “Through the Storm”. At first I wasn’t going to ask for a copy of “Through the Storm”, as the only real time I have to read is in the evenings and since we’ve been busy at work lately my evenings are often cut short, depriving me of time with my family. My wife told me I could request the copy, and I did. It arrived about a week later.

I should point out right now that I am not a professional reviewer. I should learn how to better review books because I enjoy reading and writing. Having done this for two books I’m finding it to be fun, and it would be nice to either get free books or possibly earn a little money for this. Anyone know where to go to learn how to write a professional book review?

“Through the Storm” apparently generated a lot of controversy. Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson, had to delete some comments regarding this book off of his blog. I’m not sure what those comments contained. Many were supportive, but some were very negative. One accused either Mr. Hyatt or Thomas Nelson of publishing the book for M.O.N.E.Y. I have no idea where that came from. A publisher publishing books to earn money? Where does the problem enter into the equation? How can a business meet payroll or other expenses without performing those tasks for which the business was created to perform?

My Comments on Fireproof

This is the post the just will not, well, post. I originally wrote it the day I saw Fireproof as a pre-screening at the NJ Firefighter’s Convention. I edited it several times, including after having a fight with my wife which caused me to re-write some parts of it. Now that Fireproof has been out for more than a week, and I have a few hours at home by myself, I’m trying to get it finished and posted in the hopes of posting before Fireproof was released, but that just didn’t happen. I have no idea why, other than I just got too busy with work and family and other interests to polish this blog post to the point where I felt comfortable putting it out for “the world”, which consists of anybody who haplessly stumbles by my blog. I’m not sure if I have any regular readers or not at this point.

Since originally writing this entry, several weeks have passed. I even read Kirk Cameron’s autobiography, “Still Growing”, which my wife pointed out to me at the library. I actually finished reading it this morning, and I can’t get the darn “Growing Pains” theme out of my head even though it’s been close to 2 decades since I last heard it. The autobiography does mention his role in Fireproof right at the end. In any case, with minor editing included today, here follows my original post, dated from Sep 13 & 14, 2008. I will make minor edits, but will not spend the time cleaning up the “today” and “yesterday” references.

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Gadgets, Children, and Church

As “The Gadget Geek Dad,” I do occasionally experience the need to use my gadgets in raising my children. Sunday was one of those times. I was sitting in church with Joshua. My wife was organizing the pantry and had Caleb with her downstairs. Yes, she sometimes sits out the church service in other areas of service to the church. I don’t think she missed much, but that’s for another blog entry.

Joshua is now 4, and if you’ve ever tried to keep a 4 year old quiet in church, you know where I’m coming from. Some churches have things for the children to do during the entire service. Ours doesn’t. We have a “Kids for Christ” program that picks up during the sermon, but for about half the service the kids have to sit in the auditorium. That has led to some interesting moments.

Joshua, understandably, didn’t have his attention kept. I found out later that we now have children’s bulletins, which they can draw on, but I didn’t know that when service started. Joshua got bored and unhappy. To be honest, and I might explore this in another post, I was doing they best I could myself.

I finally got the idea to use my iPod Touch. I installed a free “Jawbreaker” clone, and I know Caleb enjoys “popping balls,” so I figured Joshua might as well. Sure enough, it did help, although he kept needing help and when he popped a lot of balls he had to let me know as loudly and excitedly as he could.

Of course, I had to spend a few moments thinking that a $500 gadget has been used at the level of keeping a 4 year old quiet in church.

 

Technorati Tags: Church,children,iPod Touch,gadgets,keeping children's attention

We Got A Puppy

I didn't see it happening this fast. We got rid of my last dog not that long ago. It was a long story. He was very strong willed, and my wife never liked him that much. I couldn't seem to train him not to take food off the table, then he started taking food off the counter and stove. He started snapping at the kids, then bit me. It was time to go after that. I figured I didn't want any more dogs or cats until the kids were old enough to handle housebreaking and litterboxes and stuff. Basically, when all I had to do with a pet was sit and watch TV with it.

We found out about a new petstore called "The Puppy Palace." My wife must have been in a good mood. We went there, and looked at some puppies. We narrowed our selection down to a "Schnoodle" (cross between Schnauzer and Poodle) and a Lhasa-Apso. The Lhasa-Apso seemed to have more fun running back and forth with the kids, and she looked like a dustmop bouncing around the store. And so, we brought Dustmop home with us. Seriously, that's what we're calling her for now.

Technorati Tags: Puppy,Lhasa-Apso

Living The Simple Life

My wife sent me this video. This family home grows all of their food on only 1/5 of an acre of land in suburban California. I have more land than that. I'm sure my wife would love to do something like this, but I'm an engineer. I don't know much about farming. I can't keep a plant alive. We have talked about getting our own chickens though. I know my wife would love a farm. Where to get one on an engineer's salary in New Jersey? Not a clue.

Technorati Tags: Farming,the simple life,home grown

The 1930's Husband (or Wife) Test

My wife recently found (post removed from her blog)the "1930's Wife Test". She suggested I took the husband version. My results are below. I have an interesting proposition for her: she take the test for me, and I'll take it for her and we'll see how we each turn out.

112 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

The Power Hour?

I got the following several weeks ago in an email from All Pro Dad.

Binge drinking is sobering

It’s called “the power hour,” and it’s a birthday ritual that can turn deadly. Kids turning 21 – the legal drinking age – try to have 21 drinks as quickly as possible, at midnight, on the eve of their birthday. A recent study found that more than a third of the young men, and a quarter of the young women interviewed said they took part in this dangerous ritual.
Alcoholism is on the rise with young people. Make sure you to talk to your children about the dangers of underage drinking, and when they turn 21, the dangers of binge drinking.
For some practical tips on truly empowering your children to stay sober for life, click here.

I’ve been getting these daily email for years. Sometimes they’re pointless, sometimes they’re cheesy, and once in a while they’re good. I signed up years ago when I actually believed that husbands and wives shouldn’t fight as much as my wife and I did at the time. That’s what happens when everything you know about marriage comes from prime time TV and movies. I asked a friend for advice and he sent me a link to All Pro Dad. I’ve been tempted to unsubscribe a few times but for the most part it takes little time to delete these daily emails when they’re pointless.

This one really made me almost hurt myself in amazement. I haven’t heard of this “power hour” concept until now. I know that kids drink at ever increasing younger ages, but this is a bit of what seems to be stupidity and lack of judgement that just can’t be explained by public schools and TV.

I know my way around a party, believe me. I used to be a sailor. I reported to a ship homeported in Guam on my 20th birthday. My 21st birthday coincided with a toga party at the barracks we were staying in as we decommissioned the ship, and I left the island 10 days later. I know what goes on at parties, and I sure do know how to participate in them.

This may not be the best approach to the subject, but I’ve been tempted to consider telling my kids when they’re old enough for the alcohol talk that if they seriously find themselves in a need to get drunk that bad, just tell me and we can work something out.

I honestly don’t know if kids are doing this “Power Hour” from an abundance of peer pressure, a presence of stupidity, a lack of judgement, poor influences from culture (like music and TV), an absence of parental guidance, or a combination of any two or more of those forces. I didn’t drink in high school (that came in the Navy) but even as early as the 7th grade, I understood alcohol metabolism and I know that my body could not handle “21 drinks as fast as possible.” I don’t know how kids can get to 21 without at least that basic bit of information.

Technorati Tags: Drinking,Power hour

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

On July 27, 2004, I made the following note into Pocket Outlook on my Pocket PC:

Joshua Thomas- born 1552 in the middle of a thunderstorm. 8 lbs 1.2 oz, 20 inches long.

I was working the swing shift at the time. I took my wife to a routine OB/GYN appointment around 9 AM that morning. I planned to take her home, eat lunch, then go to work. Joshua’s due date was Aug 11. My wife hadn’t packed anything. In fact, neither of us had clothes for another day because laundry was going to be done after the appointment. Her blood pressure was slightly high, so we were told to go to the hospital. The hospital concurred and suggested inducing. Then they brought in an ultra-sound and said that Joshua’s shoulders were too big and needed to be delivered by C-section. I’ve since learned that New Jersey has the highest rate of C-sections in the nation and doctors won’t chance anything here. Somewhere around 2:30, the room filled up with doctors and nurses and it seemed like equipment was flying all over the place. My mother-in-law had arrived for support. While Christina was being prepped for surgery, the power went out. She freaked. I figured the hospital had a backup generator, but the power was out for a lot longer than a generator *should* need to kick in. Especially in hospitals, those things should have millisecond tolerances.

Christina was taken back to surgery while my mother in law and I were left in the labor and delivery room. I was fetched to come back to surgery. I didn’t see Joshua taken out. The next year, I watched as Caleb was taken out, but I didn’t get to see as much with Joshua. He came out with a full set of lungs, really ticked off at being removed from his safe warm place. After cleaning him up, I followed him to the nursery, then bounced back and forth between the nursery and my mother-in-law until Christina was wheeled out of surgery into a room. When the doctors felt she was ready, I went down the hall to get Joshua from the nursery. After Christina’s dad and sister arrived, her sister and I drove back to my house to do laundry and pack several days of clothes for Christina. As I said, Joshua was born during a thunderstorm. Several roads were still closed due to flooding and damage while I drove home. We missed it all.

Ultrasound- Dec 24, 2003

Walking down the hall, Jul 27, 2004

July 27, 2004

Pictures from July 2008

Fellowship, Family, Parties, and Time

My wife's cousin had a graduation party yesterday. Nobody told me about it until we got home from church. Our church is having VBS (Vacation Bible School) this week and as part of VBS, we always bring in an adult speaker. Teens from another church come to run the children's classes and nursery so that our adults and teens can sit through the sessions, then our teens will travel to another church to do the same later this summer. We have one of our favorite speakers this year, Dr. Patrick Mead. He's doing a series this year on "Re-imagining the church", and it's very enlightening. Somehow we interpreted the command "Go into all the world...." to mean "Put up buildings and invite people to them, then wonder why they rarely show up." Granted, we need buildings for various reasons. They are highly useful, but the building is not the church; the body of believers is. Patrick Mead made a comment I may adopt: "I believe in air conditioning; it's one of the tenents of my faith." Anyway, if you're interested, keep watching our website. You should be able to listen to the lessons once they're posted.
That aside, we got back to my in-laws' house after 11 AM from church. We've been staying there on weekends, and we had an open house yesterday, so not being in our house was a good idea. We had to be back at church by 6 PM for the evening session. I found out upon return to my in-laws' house that we had a graduation party to go to at 2 PM, from which we would leave to go to church. There went my afternoon.
I got to thinking about it though. We had a busy day. Going to this party would make it even busier. We did go, of course. However, the family throwing the party hasn't had time to come to one of our parties. We've invited them to several, but they always have something else to do no matter how much advance notice we send out. While we were at the party, I noticed that many other members of the family weren't there, and most of those members never show up for parties. I thought of all the people from church that we've invited to parties, and most always have something else to do.
I'm honestly not sure what to make of it. I've studied time management for years. Hyrum Smith says that telling somebody "I don't have time for this" is lying. When you say "I don't have time" what you really mean is "I value another event during that time more." Time management is a value judgement, and I can respect that, but it can be hard not to take it personally when the same people always value another event more during the same time period as an event that you have invited them to share the time with you.
At one point, I was tempted to start refusing (or kindly ask my wife, who runs the social calendar) if we could stop going to events from people who never find ours important enough to come to. I haven't though. There are worse things in the world to be known as than "the family who values spending time with other family when invited."

The Why Train

What is a “Why Train?” If you have toddlers, you no doubt have experienced this phenomenon. It all starts with a question. No matter what answer is given, the next question is “Why?” That answer generates another ""Why?", and it continues on down the line until God Himself would run out of explanations besides "That's the way I wanted it," to which the toddler would respond with yet another "Why?"

I've told my children they are an epistemological nightmare. While cleaning out my car in Buffalo on Sunday, Caleb saw an item in the box and asked "Why is it a Jelly Bean?" I'm an engineer, and went through the list of qualities that make the item that he saw a Jelly Bean. He followed with "Why?"

All that aside, I just went through one of the more amusing "Why Trains." I have my desktop computer set to a pictures screensaver. I can occasionally buy myself a few minutes to work on my laptop if I put "the pictures" on for the kids. Joshua followed me upstairs and the screen saver had already activated. He started pointing out events in the pictures. I tried to say I was trying to read something. Then he got really excited as a picture of my wife in her bridal dress flanked by her youngest sister and cousin as bridesmaids appeared. He said "Look! Mommy getting married!" Without looking up I replied "I know, Joshua. I was there."

He asked "Why?"

I said "Because I married her."

He asked "Why?"

My mind went into a terminal reset mode as I started wanting to answer honestly while realizing that there was little I could say at this point that he would understand. The only thing left to do was bust out laughing. Seriously, get asked by a toddler why you married your wife when you're off guard and see how you react.

Father's Day, Road Trip, and Ignoring Cell Phone Bans

I had to make a quick road trip over the weekend. I got news about my grandmother on Saturday afternoon, and we decided to alter our weekend plans and shoot up to Buffalo for a short visit. I was given my Father's Day present early, a Nintendo Wii. It's still in the box at home. The rest of my Father's Day was pretty uneventful, enough that I pretty much forgot it. We left our house around 5:30 PM Saturday. The GPS led us astray. I wondered why we weren't taking the Northeast Extension of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, when my wife took the thing and found that somehow "avoid toll roads" was checked. We lost a good hour of time and went about 60 miles off course. We rolled into Buffalo about 2:15 AM Sunday morning. I still have no idea why "avoid toll roads" would have been checked. I would have checked it earlier, but my wife yells at me too much for "playing with the GPS" while I'm driving.
While in Buffalo, we took the kids to Niagara Falls, since they see it in the Little Einsteins video they watch incessantly. We went to see my grandmother and spent some time with her neighbors, wonderful people who have watched over her and taken care of her for years. We left Monday morning, and stopped for dinner in Plymouth Meeting to sit out traffic on Philadelphia's Schuylkill Expressway. I hate Philly traffic. I wouldn't mind moving to Buffalo. We like my grandmother's area. The cold wouldn't bother me. I'd welcome it.
While driving, we noticed a lot of people talking on cell phones. One girl driving a Corolla that we passed going down I-81 in New York was texting heavily while driving. In fact, we had to pass her on the right because she was so busy texting, she didn't notice all the cars flying up on her in the left lane, then flying around to the right to get back around her at realistic highway speeds. While coming up on trucks, we could often see the drivers in their side-view mirrors. I was amazed at how many truckers were talking on cell phones without hands-free devices. I saw this article on MSN about how drivers are ignoring the laws. New Jersey has some pretty stiff cell phone/driving laws, yet 1 out of every 2 drivers I see on the road here is TALKING ON A CELL PHONE WHILE DRIVING. I don't agree with these laws, but if we're going to have them, why not enforce them? Nobody but me takes them seriously. Since I lost my headset, I won't answer my phone while I'm driving. If it's an important call, I'll put it on speaker. If my wife is with me, I make (kindly ask) her to take the call for me. Nobody else her seems to take the law seriously though. Why not enforce it with hefty fines and maybe give us a break on our "highest in the nation" property taxes?
During the trip, my wife had to use my Pocket PC a couple of times to look something up on the Internet. While I talked her through it, I tried to pitch to her how much easier it would be if she'd led me get an iPhone, or better yet, if we both had iPhones. She's much more disciplined than I am though, at least when it comes to buying an iPhone.
We spent a buttload of money on gas for this trip. Here is a piece I came across at how we can thank Al Gore for that. Don't forget: follow the money. There is a LOT of money to be made on "green tech" and global warming speeches. When I see Gore move out of his huge mansion into a tent in the woods and ride a bike to his global warming conferences, I'll consider that he's doing it for reasons other than it pays really good and makes him really popular.
Anyway, I'm tired and cranky and I should quit while I'm ahead.

Clutter- Why Do We Keep This Junk?

I spent Monday night in a hotel in Portsmouth, VA. I turned on the Discovery Channel at 10 and watched Verminators. I've really started to enjoy that show for some reason; perhaps for the educational aspect. I hated reality TV when it focused on Survivor, but I really enjoy reality TV in the context of The Apprentice, Dirty Jobs, Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, Verminators, etc.
The point I hoped to make in this entry is that the owner, Mike, went to visit a client. The client was the friend of a woman who was not in the apartment, but had accumulated a ton of clutter. This woman had so much junk in her apartment that an entire bathroom, including the tub, was full. The problem is all that clutter caused her a vermin problem, like cockroaches and some kind of carpet bug. The only room in the entire house that could be treated was the kitchen.
The friend made a comment about the clutter "It's all worth a million dollars to her." Where do we (I count myself in here) get the idea that all this junk that we bring into our houses is or will be worth millions of dollars someday? Most of the stuff we bring in is little more than trash.
There are two kinds of energy, as any grade school science student can tell you: kinetic and potential. I'm sure this can be applied to finances: there is kinetic value and potential value. The thing is, potential value is only useful when converted to kinetic value. If you happen to have a 1987 McDonald's happy meal toy that you believe might be worth a million dollars, it's absolutely worthless just sitting in your house collecting dust. Chance are, the way that you're storing it is costing you to lose any value that the darn thing may have had, if any.
Consider this as well: an item's value is determined only by what somebody is willing to pay for it. I'm having a huge problem with that right now. I'm trying to sell my house, but at the moment, nobody seems to think my house is worth what we have to price it at just to break even on the balance of our mortgage plus closing costs.
Just throw the darn junk away. Get rid of it. It's costing you energy and storage space. Just get rid of it. If you believe that you may have something worth money, contact a collector. Just because you find it worth a million dollars doesn't mean I'd give you a quarter for it. Obviously, this rant/post applies to me as well. My ATI video card driver disks for some old card that I used on a Windows 98 system will never be worth money, and are only taking up space. I'm not likely to ever need to use them again.

A.W. Tozer- Troubling Book Review

I recently came across this book review about a biography of A. W. Tozer. I didn't know very much about Tozer. I know he  was a preacher and evangelist and wrote many books. I've read a lot of quotes from him in other writings. Apparently he was some kind of spiritual giant. I've heard a lot of recommendations for his books, but I've also heard comments that his books can make you feel like he's beating you up for failing to live up to a very high standard.
The book review pointed out something interesting. He did not have much at all if any relationship with his wife and many of his children. He apparently had enough of a relationship to have several children, but his devotional and travel schedule left little room for his family. That troubles me. I obviously would love to be some kind of "super saint", walking hand in hand with God. I would love to spend the time reading and learning. I do the best I can, but what kind of testimony would I have if I neglected my job and my family?
I've heard that Martin Luther took to family life with a passion after a life as a monk. He truly enjoyed domestic life, and I've heard a quote from him that "a housewife washing diapers is more pleasing to God than a monk going through his prayers." On one level, devotion and worship to God are highly important, but on another, should they eclipse everything? No doubt, I should probably choose reading the Bible or a worthy book over watching Grey's Anatomy, but should I choose spending 4 hours in my closet praying over spending time with my boys, building a relationship and trying to demonstrate to them how to relate to the world as a Christian? I honestly never understood how people can pray that long. Should I spend my evenings reading theological works rather than try to take some of the load of raising the children off of my wife?
No doubt, these questions may seem easy on the surface, while they may go deep in exploration. We can find extremes in both directions. For a Christian, isn't living out faith in the day to day actions of our lives at least as important as outward demonstrations of piety?

What Exactly Is A "Nice Guy?"

I've been teaching John Eldridge's book "Wild At Heart" on Wednesday nights at my church this quarter. This Wednesday will be the last class, when we finish up with "An Adventure To Live." If you've read the book, you know that John brings up often that Christian men are often told by our churches that our highest aim should be to become a "really nice guy." He says that being a nice guy is not what Christian manhood is all about. Men have a wild side, and are dangerous, and we should let our strength come through. I'll let you read the book because I obviously can't do the book or the points contained in it justice as I'm winding down and getting ready for bed.

The discussion came up in our class about what exactly it means to be a "nice guy." Possibly some of us have a tainted image. I can remember as a teenager and young adult being that one guy that all the girls thought was a "nice guy", but would not be "more than friends" with. I can remember parroting the timeless phrase "nice guys finish last." What does that all mean?

We came up with a definition that we can work with. This is not the be all, end all definition of a "nice guy", but possibly it is a point to continue a discussion from. A nice guy, as I put together, is a man with no real boundaries. A "nice guy" is a man who is afraid to anger or upset other people. A "nice guy" is a man concerned with pleasing others, and can only deal with his own anger and frustration in a passive-aggressive manner, at least, when the objects of his anger are around.

Honestly, that used to be me. It probably still is me to a point, in many ways, but I have outgrown quite a bit. There was a time when one of the worst things that could have happened in my world is to have somebody become angry at me.

Now, obviously, neither John Eldridge nor I are advocating license for men to run around acting like complete jerks; oblivious to others around them. There is a difference between being a passive-aggressive nice guy weenie and being kind. I believe that is what got our conversation started, the implication that kindness could be confused with the "nice guy" that John Eldridge says not to emulate. Real men, strong, dangerous men, can and should be kind. There is a place for tenderness in a real man. But there is also a place for being strong, for being dangerous. There is a place for taking charge and for going head to head when a situation requires it.

I recalled an image, which may have been from a previous generation, of a "nice guy" putting up with a lot of frustration at work and going home to take it out on his wife and kids. I'm not sure if many from my generation are like that. Most of us grew up wondering why Dad doesn't just tell his boss that he's an idiot. I have no problem asking people, even if they have power over my career, if they are smoking crack. Normally the stories sound better when I tell my wife, or tell some friends over beer, but if I have a question about a rule or policy, I will speak up. I usually lose, but I've never been afraid to share my opinion; at least, not lately.

I've leave anyone who reads this with two questions: what is a "nice guy", and was it more of a baby boomers generation issue to be afraid to speak up at work?

Ending The Week on a High Note

Tonight, I feel pretty good. I started this week on a very low note, as you can tell from my Mother's Day entry. I thought about deleting it, but I try not to delete my writings. I'm hardly an author, but committing my thoughts to paper or cyberspace almost seems to be a snapshot in time of what I was thinking or facing at a particular moment. Losing my composure on a blog, while I'm not sure I want to face later, is still part of my past. That's how I see it, anyway.

I went on Weight Watchers on Monday. I found out that they have an online program for men. My wife joined a few weeks ago, but she goes to Saturday meetings. I decided that since I am a computer geek anyway, and I don't want to have to coordinate who's going to take care of the kids when plus my travel schedule around meetings, I'd just go online. I started Monday afternoon. I made it through dinner and into Tuesday, when I went through that phase where gnawing my desk sounded like a good idea. I made it through Tuesday and into Wednesday, when we went to dinner at church. I'm not aware of many evangelical type churches that are friendly to dieters. We've tried to do Atkins in the past, and we know this very well. I basically ate reasonable and smaller portions than I normally would have.

Wednesday brought some challenges. I've written on this and my Blogger blog about the challenges we're facing with selling our house. We reached a point with our previous Realtor of wanting to fire her. She wasn't very responsive and she wasn't getting people in the door. I got her broker involved twice. I deleted two blog entries from this blog, normally against my policy, but they were probably less than kind. The second time I called her broker, I had a 20 minute call with the Realtor, when I thought we resolved some communications issues and got back on track. After that, I started asking her what we have to do to get people in the house. She came back with the suggestion to do a short sale. I did some brief checking, and came back with "No way. A short sale is not possible." After that, she referred me to a mortgage broker and suggested we refinance.

We went back and forth, and she said she would let us out of our listing agreement to refinance. I asked in an email for an unconditional release. She came back and said that our listing agreement was null and void. Still needing to sell our house, we turned to a Realtor who is a professional contact of a good friend of ours. She was uncertain of our listing agreement release, so I called our previous Realtor to ask again for the unconditional release. I informed her that we can't refinance; we need to get our house sold and if she can't do it, we have to turn to a Realtor who can. She told us that was fine with her and wished us the best. The Realtor we listed with did a phenomenal job. She did more for us in the first 24 hours than the first Realtor had done in two months. She worked hard to get our house marketed. Her broker came to visit the house, as did several other Realtors from her brokerage. This had not been done by anyone from our first Realtor's brokerage. It took her 30 days to print flyers for us, and took two days to get her sign and lockbox after letting us out of the agreement.

I got a call Wednesday afternoon while I was in the middle of my Weight Watchers-friendly lunch. It was the broker from the first Realtor, and she was fuming mad that we had listed with another agent. Apparently the first Realtor had been fired and left a huge mess behind, although I have no details. She said that our listing was only dropped to refinance. This woman would not shut up for two seconds to let me talk. I had to keep asking her to let me finish a sentence. I got spun up so fast I was shouting, and I had to leave the cubicle farm I work in to the hallway because I was shouting so loud and I figured the rest of the building deserved a chance to hear. Not really, but I needed to leave so I didn't bother other people. I argued with her for several minutes. At one point, I got so mad I blurted out "This is why everybody hates Realtors!", a comment I had to spend time apologizing for. I told her that I asked for an unconditional release and she had a copy of that email. I told her that I told the Realtor that let us go from our listing that I intended to list with an agent who was willing to work, and she said that was OK. This broker through in a bunch of legalese and basically gave me the choice: sit out the rest of the listing agreement inactive (which is about the standard of service her agent had given us) or be assigned to another Realtor in her office. She had already called my new Realtor and demanded the listing be taken down.

I called the new Realtor, who has put a lot more work into selling our house than the first Realtor/brokerage. She has worked hard for us. I went back and forth between the two, feeling trapped. I am not a lawyer, nor am I a Realtor, nor do I have a desire to become one. The broker at one point offered a referral, to which the  new Realtor commented that she would do all the work and the broker would get the money. That is not fair.

Suddenly, at 2:35 PM, the broker called and said that she decided to call it a day; that we were free from our agreement. I asked her for something in writing, but she said that we have her word. Sure, her Realtor's word wasn't good. I called the new Realtor back, but she is not willing to work on this woman's word, especially after the phone call that she got earlier in the day. I called the broker back at 2:40 to ask if she could fax something in writing to me. I had to leave the office by 3:20, and nothing came in by that time. I have no idea what prompted the change. Maybe the other Realtor left behind a mess so large she can't cover it. Maybe she read my blog, which is linked in my signature file, or my Twitter feed and saw something documented in there that favors me. I have no idea.

On Thursday, I had to get up at 4:30 to get to the airport to catch a flight to Maine for a business trip. I asked my wife if she could take a form to the broker to get a signed statement that we were released from our listing agreement. After a day of meetings then going out to dinner with some people from my organization, I got back to my hotel room and sent my wife an email. I didn't want to call in case she was trying to get the boys to sleep. My wife emailed me the following, to which I have edited out the names:

It is good that you are having a good time.  I got yelled at from (broker) this afternoon, and she wasn’t in the office.  I have already talked with (Realtor2) and let her know what happened.  The guy that was sitting at the front desk, told me she was at a meeting all day, and he went to the back and called her on her cell, and she told me she was getting ready to board a flight and will not be in the office until Monday, but another time in the call she said she would be gone for two days.  Nobody told her that I would be coming today to have the paper signed, even though I left her two messages this morning, and her voice mail did not say she would be out of the office.  I was ticked, that I wasted my time, and my Dad’s gas to get there.  So now I have to repeat the whole process Monday.

I left her a message on Wednesday afternoon. My wife left her two messages Thursday morning. My wife said that this woman was yelling at her so loud that she held the phone with her arm all the way extended and could still here her clearly. The first Realtor told me she was a difficult woman. This I believe entirely. After my comment about "everybody hates Realtors", this broker said that she had a long list of clients who would testify otherwise. My wife and I obviously are not among that list. How the heck can you stay in business when you don't give anybody else a chance to talk and you just keep yelling at people? Maybe she's friendly to higher priced homeowners, I have no idea. I assume she makes her money somehow, but it can't be through friendly customer service.

After telling me about this woman yelling at her, I was ready to call the broker's voice mail and let her know exactly what I thought about her treating my wife like that. I decided against it. I have a bad habit of going off half-cocked, and I really am working on overcoming it. I decided on another tactic. I spent the next two hours going though my email, call log, and calendar as I began drafting a narrative of events up to that point. I detailed the significant dates, like when we listed with the Realtor, when she didn't show up for an appointment, when we had to call her broker, when she told us it was OK to list with another Realtor, everything that I had went into this. Bear in mind that I got up at 4:30 AM that morning and had a full day of travel and meetings. I was up until 11 PM working on that draft, which may work it's way to the NJ Real Estate Commission as a complaint. Maybe I'll just edit out the names and post it on this blog. Maybe I'll fine comb it for any hint of libel and post it here in case somebody is searching Google for information on any of the people or brokerages involved. I'm not sure. It helped me clear my mind and organize my thoughts, and it also stopped me from making an angry phone call late at night. When I finally finished and tried to get to sleep, I couldn't sleep for a while. I still had to get up at 5 AM on Friday.

Friday I got up, we finished the meetings, had lunch, and headed to the airport. Philly had some bad weather, so when we got to the airport around 2 PM, we found out that our 3:37 departure might not leave until after 7. Doh! We grabbed a table at the airport pub, which became our home for the next 5 hours. We made the best of a bad situation, drinking away the hours and discussing a mixture of business, family, and sea and college stories. We finally boarded the plane around 7. The pilot pulled away from the gate early, even though ATC said that our departure wasn't until 7:48. He was hoping for an earlier departure. We sat on the tarmac. I re-enabled the data connection on my Pocket PC and posted to Twitter and read my Google Reader feeds until we could pull onto the runway and leave. We got back to Philly about 9 PM or so. I picked up my car and was home around 10:20. The kids were asleep. My wife's sister got home, so I borrowed Grey's Anatomy season 2 and watched the first episode while I wound down. Then Doctor G Medical Examiner came on around midnight. I haven't watched that show in years, and sure enough it was a rerun that I had already seen.

Believe it or not, so far I'm enjoying the travel. I work with some really great people from a combination of offices in different locations. I'm home for the weekend, but on Monday I'm heading back down to Virginia for two days. I'm driving down. I pick up my rental car after church and I'll leave early on Monday morning for an afternoon meeting.

I sure wrote a lot about that broker. My point was, I didn't use it as an excuse to break from Weight Watchers (that came Thursday in Maine, when I was at a Mexican Irish restaurant with someone else driving and 20 oz Dos Equis.)

The look on the boys' faces when they saw me this morning was priceless. They both came over to me and climbed into bed on either side of me. I put on Jimmy Neutron for a while and enjoyed being back with them. While my wife was at Weight Watchers, we played hide and seek, until I ran out of places to hide. I can't quite get Joshua to understand that in hide and seek, you don't hide in the same place and yell "I'm in here!"

For tomorrow, our church is having a luncheon for small group leaders and Munchkin Ministry members. The kids are with my in-laws tonight. Originally kids would not be allowed, but a lot of people couldn't make it. By the time we were told that there would be room for kids, we had already made plans. We ate dinner tonight at Applebees, which has a Weight Watcher's section of the menu. The Garlic-herb chicken was awesome! Then we spent some time together and did some cleaning. Now I'm blogging and then it will be time for bed.

I Hate Mother's Day

To be honest, I have little use for Father's Day as well. Romans 14:5 says that one man regards a day as special, and another man regards every day alike.

[5] One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.(NKJV)

I'm the man who regards every day alike. The only days I really care for are New Year's Eve and my birthday. I really only like New Year's Eve because it's an excuse to drink. Since I have kids, my birthday has gotten to be like, well, Father's Day. I get a card and some token present "from the kids."

Blogs today are a"twitter" (you can follow my Twitter feed here) with how great Mother's Day is, or how great it is to honor mothers. I guess as a son, I thought well enough of it, but as a husband, Mother's Day is just one more thing to screw up; one more standard to fail to meet, one more thing to forget, one more pain in the butt that no matter how hard I try, the day will end with me blowing something. Really, it's a day to honor mothers, but is it a day for women to stop being wives? I'm not saying that in a chauvinistic sense (at least I don't mean to), but this "Romeo will come on a white horse and give me a massage and take care of the kids and cook all day" mentality has GOT to stop. Yes, wives, we love to honor you, but we're just as human as you are. We can't read your minds.

I'm writing this entry from a very low point, although putting this text on my monitor is somehow making me feel better. Blogging and journaling can be helpful, I guess.

Here is my marital advice to anybody struggling: MEN AND WOMAN ARE DIFFERENT! Just because a husband does not parent the children using the exact same means and methods the mother does, he is not a failure, he is a man! Men and women are different. Period. We have different needs, different physiological responses, and we see the world through different eyes. That is supposed to be a beautiful thing, not a reason to fight. If both of you are the same, one of you is redundant. One of the thousands of things that it take for a marriage to work is to realize that. My wife and I fight over a lot of things that are not right or wrong, they are not good or bad, they are simply differences between us. When I'm driving, my concern is getting us to our destination safely and on time. Period. OK, I'm also concerned with not listening to crap on the radio, but that's just good multi-tasking. My wife notices every single yard sale sign or piece of trash on the curb that "might" be useful to our house. I keep telling her if she sees a yard sale, I will be more than happy to turn around unless our destination comes with a pressing need for arrival, but she usually just huffs and tells me to keep on driving. She expects me to see the yard sale signs. I love her, and will do anything for her, but God did not give me the ability to read yard sale signs while I'm driving. I only notice things I'm looking for, and I'm not looking for yard sales. She sees cheap clothes for the kids, I see more clutter to find a place to put in the house. I could see if more yard sales sold good books or electronics, but they don't so I just don't see them. That's just being me.

As I said, I have little use for Father's Day either. Sure, I get a card, and some form of present, and when we go out to eat or go to church I hear some half-assed "Happy Father's Day!" I still don't get to stop being a husband and father. I still don't get to expect my life or day to be any easier. I still find a way to screw everything up and get my wife mad at me.

That's my counter-point to all the "I live in a happy bubble where everything is perfect" Mother's Day blog entries and editorials and sermons out there. Bah, Humbug!

As I said, I'm at a point in life where I pretty much regard every day as alike. My alarm goes off (except for most Saturdays), I get up, take a shower, go to work or church or go about my business. Days do not differ from each other very much right now. My concerns are raising my children and trying to keep our heads above water. I just don't have much time or concern right now for anything else. I also get very little support. I often feel like I'm on my own. My wife expects me to make decisions, then sometimes seems to emasculate me for the decision I make. I get seemingly little useful feedback from her in which decision to make, but I have to pay when I make the wrong one. I'm sure I'm not the only man going through this at this point in time, or in any point in time, but women fail to understand that men often don't like to have to ask for help. When I get home from work in the evenings, the two prime choices I have are: help around the house or spend time with the kids. If I try to help around the house I'm accused of not spending enough time with the kids. If I spend time with the kids, I'm accused of not helping around the house. There is no way to win! There is no right answer. And as a man, and an engineer, that drives me freaking nuts.

I of course love my family. God blessed me with a wonderful wife, and two great boys, and hopefully someday we'll have at least one more. I recognize that this is a stage of life that every man has to face. Just like boot camp, it's miserable and hard, but will eventually end. That offers little comfort. Boot camp was 8 weeks in the Navy. How long will this last?

I'm sure this entry will do little for anybody reading this blog, but it's done wonders for me. Hopefully we'll get back to my usual writing soon.

Technorati Tags: Mother's Day,another view to Mother's Day,low points

Do You Live For The Moment, or Plan for the Outcome?

When I bought my condo in 2000, I can remember my realtor telling me something: "Whenever buying a house, you should always ask yourself 'How can I get out of this if I need to?'" It was wise advice that we should have better followed during our last refinance.

My wife and I often repeat the same argument when we go to the store. When she parks the car, like many people, she wants to park as close to the entrance as possible. When I park the car, I'm thinking about the other end; how the heck am I going to get back out of this parking lot? This isn't an issue everywhere, but in New Jersey, roads and parking lots seem to be built in very bad places. Everything seems to be made harder than it has to be, just like our taxes and regulations. Most drivers in New Jersey seem to think that wherever they have to get is more important than your life, and they seem to think nothing of running over a new dad and his 1 year old just to get that parking spot close to Wal-mart so they don't have to walk. God forbid you should have to walk, people! I apologize, but I've been wanting to say that to those people for years, and this is the only real platform I have.

When I pull up at the Voorhees, NJ Target, I like to park on the side so I can get out the back. I know that if I can find a spot right in front of the store, I'm going to have to sit there forever, boxed in by people who want a close parking spot. I also have to cross in front of the store, where I have to dodge cars driven by people who have no intention of stopping. At least if I park on the side, I don't think it's that far of a walk, but I can drive out the back where I don't have to deal with a lot of traffic. I do a lot of things that way. I'm always trying to figure out, before I go in, how I can get back out.

(Also, when I was growing up, my dad would deliberately park as far as he could from a store, weather permitting of course, and we would enjoy the walk. That stayed with me, but doesn't fly with my wife.)

I obviously don't live my entire life by this philosophy; nobody could. In general, however, do you think this way? Do you make decisions based on what's easier going in, or coming out?

I'm not even saying this is the best way to look at things; it's just the way I tend to do them. Sometimes I won't agree or willingly follow along based on my assessment of the outcome. This is silly, but I don't like hotel pools. It's not that I don't like swimming, but when I'm done, I'm done and I want to get out. When I go to a pool with my wife, I have to wait for her to be done. Now that we have kids, I can't even enjoy the swimming. I can't splash Joshua because it gets him upset. Caleb can't swim yet, and if I ask my wife to watch the kids while I swim to the end of the pool and back, I'll be accused of not helping with the kids "enough." I have no idea what that means and I have been asking for years to have it quantified in a way that I can understand. The nearest definition I can come up with for "you're not helping me with the kids enough", from other dads, blogs, and James Dobson books (OK, not Dobson in particular, but books in general) is that when a woman says "You're not helping me with the kids enough", it is an arbitrary and capricious definition that men can sort of understand by thinking of it in the context of "you're not having sex with me enough." In other words, dads, no matter what you do, it will never be enough. Of course, this could add in to Proverbs 30. As Agur wrote, (Pro 30:15ff-16) "There are three things that are never satisfied, four never say "Enough!": The grave, the barren womb, the earth that is not satisfied with water, and the fire never says "Enough!" (NKJV). Perhaps we could add husbands and wives to that verse.

In any case, because I know I won't have fun, and we'll have to stay in the pool long after I'm done, often when we travel, I will resist the suggestion to go to the hotel pool. I try to fight trips to the grocery store for the same reasons, plus we have to go through the darn parking argument again. I don't understand why it's considered quality time for me to take her to the grocery store, but it's a waste of time for her to go to Best Buy with me. (It's actually a waste of time to go to Best Buy for any reason unless our router breaks according to my wife.)

This blog entry just keeps on growing. I'm very tired, which explains the rambling. We're traveling. I'm on a business trip, but my wife and kids came with me. I haven't slept much in the last two nights. I'm really enjoying the meetings though, and I'm finding this trip to be enjoyable and productive, work-wise. Today after work, we rented one of those car-bikes, with two seats side by side with pedals, and a bench in front for the kids. It turned out that the seat was too low for me, too high for my wife, and I had to do all the work pedaling. It wore me out. Then we walked up the boardwalk a while, then back down the beach. I'm worn out, so I'm babbling. I may want to delete this later, but nobody reads my blog anyway.

Technorati Tags: Planning,Outcome,live for the moment